Hello. First I want to say I plan for this to be a completely anonymous website. I feel there is no one in my life I can relate to in relation to what I plan to post. Henceforce, I hope to come across others that may relate to these things.
In all honesty I’m scared that what I post on here people will judge and look down on. I’m an insecure person and the thoughts I’ve been having lately I feel are not socially acceptable. Sometimes I wonder when were the social norms of society decided, and who were the people that decided it? Because there are a lot of things that I don’t particular agree with, yet I feel so bond by society’s expectations and rules.
I need a place to vent my insides. To say the things I’ve been craving to say that no one gets. So actually this may even be somewhat of a journal, though it will be public in the hope that someone understands. It is probably also a cry for help, or a cry for someone that feels the same and can help me deal with these thoughts I’ve been having. Help me better understand them.
Ok I’ve been delaying.. and it’s because I’m scared of revealing what I’ve been keeping inside. Ok well, I’ve been having violent thoughts, a desire to hurt others. Mostly it’s been about people I don’t like. It’s come from anger, but it also comes from a fascination with the body. An interest in life and death… When I was a teenager I would cut myself. I cut myself on my wrists and I would collect the blood and make pictures out of it. I really liked blood, and hey I still like blood.
Anyway I currently do not feel like I am a danger to others, just want to make that clear and not freak anyone out. But I keep having these thoughts, a desire to inflict pain.. and sometimes I don’t particular mind them.. but they are a bit intrusive and I’m not sure what to do with them.
Here comes my next question, murder is something that way back when, was considered more of a normal thing… or what I mean is it happened and it was the way life is. I mean it still happens, but there’s a big scary stigma attached to murder now and you can go to jail for a long time blah blah blah. My point is society’s stigma has made it into this big deal, yet its such a natural part of life. People still kill each other all the time, war is still happening and probably always will happen. Animals kill each other, they fight and there’s no stigma on it. It’s just natural. We also kill animals all the time, like it’s nothing. Yet when it’s a human things are entirely different. I’m not trying to justify killing, I’m just trying to say it’s a natural instinct.
This stigma about killing someone makes me so afraid and ashamed inside for having such thoughts. It also makes me afraid because getting caught would suck.
I know you probably think I need help, well I don’t want to talk to a therapists about this because I don’t want to get put in a ward where they stuff you full of drugs until you ‘feel’ better. I have things going on in my life that are important and I don’t have time to mess it up. I’m stable and I personally think just talking in general will help.
Anyways onto the next thing.