Takes the life out of you. It’s a struggle for years and years and when it resurfaces it drains you dry. Each time I contemplate about killing myself. Not because I’m in pain but because I find no joy… no motivation within me. I feel so empty, so dead and it seems as if there’s nothing to be done. This spell seems to be lasting awhile… and yet I have so many things I need to be doing. So I show up and I wear a fake smile for those around me. It fools most people. I even tell my so called friends I’ve been feeling down, but in a light hearted way, and they agree saying they feel that way too.. but they are just talking about stress. I don’t tell them I think about dying.

The only person that really knows how I’ve been feeling… or at least his understanding of what I’ve communicated, is my fiancĂ©. Lately I’ve been so unmotivated my sex drive has be practically non existent. He wants to have sex more but I can’t give him that right now. Ive been less and less interested over the past months and I’m not sure what to do. Ive been un interested in engaging with him in general yet he continues to love me or whatever. I don’t get it. I don’t think I’m good for him and I don’t think I can make him happy in the long term. 

I don’t know how I am going to carry on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and what I should do to make it right.


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