The butterfly you’ve given me.

If I could put all my feelings in a bowl it would look like a giant mess of spaghetti. Love is a complex thing and oh how blessed I am to experience it so deeply. Every day it grows like a thousands butterfly’s coursing through my chest. This is not for just one but for many.. What is done may not be seen as true but in my heart I know it is for you. There’s fallacies and then there’s lies but neither can fool these eyes. Desire does not encompass love and my expression need not touch this lesson. There is peace here in our interaction something cherished and so fragile.. I cradle it deeply in my chest praying you are not in distress. Please my love do not waver for we are one in an end less stream. This river will keep flowing on with or without us so take my hand and be with me.

Just saying.

Theres not much to say yet I want to speak. I want to write so here I am speaking. This place we exist there isn’t much you can truly know yet everyone believes so strongly they know it all. Maybe it’s not even that, but that they act as if they know. They want to seem as if they know. I want to know yet I accept I do not know… What is it that I want to know?

I want to know the meaning of this place, but there is no one answer. Everyone has their own answer.

My answer is still not clear to me. This answer changes as the months go by and never has it been clear… others they parade their path so proudly but I wonder do they even know? Is there a point even in knowing? Is it really a knowing or is it just a being? There’s this lady that emits an aura, It ¬†has shown me what I long forgot. This drive inside that shows me a path long forgotten and thought to had been left behind never to be found again.

It is not about the person its about the space. The space that encompasses this time, that leads us to one another. Lets be calm and collected and speak a riddle to throw one another off. See if you can make sense of my speech that rolls off my tongue. I want to see you, see you in your bareness and your vulnerability.

Theres a beauty surrounding the vulnerability in people. It gives me satisfaction to see that within you as I have seen it in myself.

Really theres no point in making sense anymore, and maybe just maybe someone will get it if I stop trying to make it clear. Because it’s not about the words… It’s about the feeling.

 

True love

Does anyone think it’s real? Currently I’m with a guy that I love a lot but it doesn’t consume me. I think it would be great to raise a family with him but it’s not exciting. I’m not sure if this is it for me or if something better is out there. I’m not sure if I’m just feeling doubt because that’s what people feel in relationships or if it’s for a reason.

Is there anyone out there that’s in love with someone and it’s filled with passion and excitement? I’m not saying a perfect relationship just one that’s filled with so much love you don’t know what to do with it? Where fights happen but it’s because of that intense feeling you have and it ends with love. I just want to know if something like that exists or if passion always dies. So this is a question for people in a long term relationship.

Depression

Takes the life out of you. It’s a struggle for years and years and when it resurfaces it drains you dry. Each time I contemplate about killing myself. Not because I’m in pain but because I find no joy… no motivation within me. I feel so empty, so dead and it seems as if there’s nothing to be done. This spell seems to be lasting awhile… and yet I have so many things I need to be doing. So I show up and I wear a fake smile for those around me. It fools most people. I even tell my so called friends I’ve been feeling down, but in a light hearted way, and they agree saying they feel that way too.. but they are just talking about stress. I don’t tell them I think about dying.

The only person that really knows how I’ve been feeling… or at least his understanding of what I’ve communicated, is my fianc√©. Lately I’ve been so unmotivated my sex drive has be practically non existent. He wants to have sex more but I can’t give him that right now. Ive been less and less interested over the past months and I’m not sure what to do. Ive been un interested in engaging with him in general yet he continues to love me or whatever. I don’t get it. I don’t think I’m good for him and I don’t think I can make him happy in the long term. 

I don’t know how I am going to carry on. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and what I should do to make it right.

Mental hospitals

I really don’t like mental hospitals. Today I went to a clinical at a mental hospital and the patients all look so sedated, miserable, and bored. The staff hardly interacted with them and they are unstimulated. The patient I was assigned too said he either sleeps, or watches tv, which seems to be set to the news all the time! Like how boring! 

Like ok these people are here because they have a mental illness and they made a mistake, did something stupid, yet they really just get shoved away for years and years and sometimes the rest of their lives. 

Some of these people make one mistake, which they can’t even comprehend as a mistake, and they aren’t being properly stimulated and taught how to function normally! Like give them jobs or something at least. They need a chance, a real chance on how to cope with their illness and function in society. 

That’s another problem that I have, that society has to set all these damn rules and make all these institutions that treat people like animals. It shouldn’t be so fucking hard to just live your damn life. Like who are we to decide the way life should even be for anyone but ourselves?? It fucks up the natural order. We humans just like to play god and try to control everything, but nature is chaos and it functions just fine without humans coming in and trying to control it. 

Nothing existential here

It’s really quite amazing what isolation and tv shows can do to your mind. Recently I started a new job working as a PCA in a hospital and I’ve been feeling a lot better mentally speaking. I enjoy feeling stimulated and engaged, and a job in a hospital quenches that desire.

But because of this new job I’ve been a lot less isolated, and I’ve pretty much stopped watching Netflix. Thus my mind has been less fixated on the darker aspects… which is nice because that’s not something I want to stress about. 

I still have dark interest, but they are being fed less and working around people, helping people feeds the loving side of myself..

So you know maybe this blog won’t be as dark as I originally thought. It will be whatever happens to be passing through me instead.

The fall

So the other day I watched a show called The Fall. It was about a serial murderer and at the end he ended up killing him self with a plastic bag and a belt. I was not expecting this turn of events and it was very intense for me. It was intense because I’ve tried to kill myself before. I tried to kill myself when I was 14 actually. 

I used about 63 pills, obviously I failed and here I am. Anyway the scene of the character killing himself with suffocation made it look so easy. I then realized one of the things that had been holding me back from attempting to kill myself again was having access to a easy method. Suffocation really is as simple as having a belt and a plastic bag. It would be quick and pretty absolute. For a bit there I actually started to plan and consider doing this. I’m really not even sure why, but my mind just gets fixated on death sometimes. My life is pretty good. I have a loving boyfriend and I have a few friends. I have animals that I love and there are things I enjoy. I’m in school and doing well. Even though these things exists in my life there’s still a black hole within me that craves just to not exist. It just craves the peace of not having to be anymore. 

I see death as peace. I don’t currently plan on suffocating myself. That feeling has passed, and more so been tucked away if there’s ever a need for it. 

I’m actually feeling pretty good about this blog. Should’ve started one sooner. 

The beginning

Hello. First I want to say I plan for this to be a completely anonymous website. I feel there is no one in my life I can relate to in relation to what I plan to post. Henceforce, I hope to come across others that may relate to these things.

In all honesty I’m scared that what I post on here people will judge and look down on. I’m an insecure person and the thoughts I’ve been having lately I feel are not socially acceptable. Sometimes I wonder when were the social norms of society decided, and who were the people that decided it? Because there are a lot of things that I don’t particular agree with, yet I feel so bond by society’s expectations and rules. 

I need a place to vent my insides. To say the things I’ve been craving to say that no one gets. So actually this may even be somewhat of a journal, though it will be public in the hope that someone understands. It is probably also a cry for help, or a cry for someone that feels the same and can help me deal with these thoughts I’ve been having. Help me better understand them. 

Ok I’ve been delaying.. and it’s because I’m scared of revealing what I’ve been keeping inside. Ok well, I’ve been having violent thoughts, a desire to hurt others. Mostly it’s been about people I don’t like. It’s come from anger, but it also comes from a fascination with the body. An interest in life and death… When I was a teenager I would cut myself. I cut myself on my wrists and I would collect the blood and make pictures out of it. I really liked blood, and hey I still like blood. 

Anyway I currently do not feel like I am a danger to others, just want to make that clear and not freak anyone out. But I keep having these thoughts, a desire to inflict pain.. and sometimes I don’t particular mind them.. but they are a bit intrusive and I’m not sure what to do with them. 

Here comes my next question, murder is something that way back when, was considered more of a normal thing… or what I mean is it happened and it was the way life is. I mean it still happens, but there’s a big scary stigma attached to murder now and you can go to jail for a long time blah blah blah.  My point is society’s stigma has made it into this big deal, yet its such a natural part of life. People still kill each other all the time, war is still happening and probably always will happen. Animals kill each other, they fight and there’s no stigma on it. It’s just natural.  We also kill animals all the time, like it’s nothing. Yet when it’s a human things are entirely different. I’m not trying to justify killing, I’m just trying to say it’s a natural instinct. 

This stigma about killing someone makes me so afraid and ashamed inside for having such thoughts. It also makes me afraid because getting caught would suck.

I know you probably think I need help, well I don’t want to talk to a therapists about this because I don’t want to get put in a ward where they stuff you full of drugs until you ‘feel’ better. I have things going on in my life that are important and I don’t have time to mess it up. I’m stable and I personally think just talking in general will help. 

Anyways onto the next thing. 

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